Posted by: ramonamom | April 16, 2008

“But I deserve better!”

Romans 6:23  For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The deaf daughter whom we adopted at the age of 9 years old is now a beautiful young lady, at the age of 18.  She is completely deaf in one ear and has a moderate to severe hearing loss in her other ear.  When wearing a hearing aid, she can hear at a conversational level, but misses many of the consanant sounds of the spoken word.  This, of course, makes life very difficult for her.  Her “handicap” did not really seem to bother her until the teen years, when she began to have the typical desire to be like the other girls.  I think before then, she thought she was special because she had a hearing aid and no one else did, as a matter of fact.

I had a conversation with this daughter the other evening, which exposed a huge ball of anger in her heart towards the God who made her deaf.  This anger surfaces mostly in her relationships in the family – she is prone to getting angry very easily and immediately blames the other person in the situation.  After all, nothing could be her fault because life is so hard for her that she simply cannot be expected to follow the same rules as others, right? 

Unfortunately I missed a perfect opportunity to talk to her about what we humans actually “deserve”.  I simply did not think of approaching the subject that way.  Instead, I encouraged her to be thankful for the good things in her life – her family, her home, clothing, food, job, etc.  By the grace of God, she did seem to understand what I was talking about, but afterwards my husband gently pointed out the Gospel presentation I missed taking advantage of. 

Today, God gave me another chance.  If you read much of my personal blog, you will soon find out that I have a neurological disorder called dystonia.  I have neurostimulators which give me relief from the symptoms at times, but last night the dystonia came back in full force.  This means that suddenly “life is hard” for me, again.  Just about all of the muscle groups throughout my body contract and release on a continual basis.  Walking from one room to another triggers chest spasms with each breath.  Life is hard.  Added to the fact that our oldest daughter arrives today with her new baby (a grandbaby I have not yet met!), the timing on this seems very poor and the temptation to grumble at God for that is strong. 

As my daugher came to ask me a math question this morning, I looked into her eyes and told her, “Life is hard for me today.”  Then, I went on to explain to her that what we deserve for each and every little sin we commit is death.  Anything less than that is a gift from God.  It is not that I deserve better than a life with dystonia, or living with being deaf.  Rather, I need to humble myself and thank God for the sacrifice that Jesus Christ paid on the cross for MY sins!  Because of Him, I have the gift of life.  Life with dystonia (and deafness), yes, but life nonetheless.  I may not be able to walk, but I can declare the glory of God from my recliner.  My daughter may not be able to talk to every person she comes in contact with, but she can still shine God’s light in her life through her beautiful countenance. 



  1. I’m weeping. I needed to read this today Ramona.

  2. I thought of you when I wrote it, Lisa, as “life is hard” for you so often, too.

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