I think I probably write something every year about this time, regarding the examples for parents that God provides through birds.  I love watching them on our deck and each year I am reminded of God’s ways through these beautiful, yet simple, creatures.  Take this little guy for example.  He has spent all afternoon flapping his little wings as hard as he can when his parents are near, begging them to feed him.  Yet, all he had to do was look up and, wah lah, there was food!!  Granted, he was not quite sure how to GET it, but he is learning as we watch. 

I wonder if God watches me as I parent our young adults similarly.  Am I doing a good enough job of making them work and grow on their own?  Alas, I fear I am like the Mama Bird who continues to feed the flyin’, flappin’, hoppin’, and fully-able-to-fend-for-himself  little guy.  Maybe I will learn the lesson this year…or next…and do a better job of encouraging our own baby “birds” to learn how to “feed” themselves!

I have definitely been both missing and in action, recently!  I have to admit that much of my computer time is spent on Facebook these days, but I treasure being able to connect with our kids in this way, kind of “on their level”, while they still think it is cool for Mom to be their Facebook friend! 

As we gear up for another year of homeschooling, I will share a peak of what is going on in our home.  One daughter (age 18) has decided to study for the GED this next year rather than continue with high school classes – a move that is supported by us.  One son (age 20), who previously obtained his GED, is enrolled in some classes at our local community college.  Another son (age 18), who has FAS, is continuing in some behavioral patterns that have us seriously considering whether we should have him also take the GED and them work towards getting a full time job.  Either that or the Job Corps…  The son (age 21)we had to kick out of our home in October of 2007 has started coming back to visit, having stated his desire to work on repairing the family relationships and possibly move back home eventually (yes, our goal IS to have them all on their own eventually, but we welcome the opportunity to finish parenting him).  Our graduated daughter (age 18) is seeking employment in difficult economic times.  Our married daughter’s (age 22) husband has gotten a union job in Michigan and they are hoping for a sibling for their daughter, soon. Our oldest daughter at home (age 19) has started speech and language therapy and continues to work part time at Chick Fil A.  The rest of the kids (ages 13, 16, 17, and 19) will be hitting the books again in a couple of weeks, with a mom and teacher who will be glad to return to a regular schedule!   Oh, and looking forward to an extended “Parent Teacher Conference” with their principal (aka, Dad, hubby) in September!! 

In a nutshell, lots of ACTION!!  Sorry about the missing part, though… I am at least scheduling time to do some writing, although the fruits of that labor will hopefully be found in book format one of these days… or years…

We enjoyed celebrating  another birthday last night, and seeing another daughter officially (well, legally, at least) enter adulthood.  I love the group photo, too, which has a bunch of our kids and some friends.  In case you are wondering, we DO have a lot of fun on birthdays around our house! 

BOOK REVIEW – GET OUTTA MY FACE!, BY RICK HORNE

 My original purpose for purchasing and reading Get Outta My Face!, by Rick Horne, was to help other parents who were struggling with their teens. In God’s infinite wisdom, though, He brought my husband and I to some very challenging times regarding a number of issues with our own teens while I was in the process of reading the book. God’s timing is indeed perfect and I don’t think I will ever cease to be amazed by that fact as I am reminded of it over and over again. The process of thinking through the principles presented in this book has served to mold and solidify my own belief system and parenting methods and, although we share belief in some biblical principles, I did discover significant disagreement with some of the author’s basic premises.

 

In the book, Get Outta My Face!, Rick Horne presents what he considers biblically sound solutions to dealing with angry and unmotivated teens. He first explains what a parent needs to understand in order to connect with their teen and then goes on to discuss what the parents must do and how to apply these principles and make them “stick”. Although much of what he said was review to this reader and parent of many teens, some unfamiliar territory was covered, also. The author gave numerous examples of counseling situations with angry teens, and often their parents, which was helpful in understanding application of the principles he presented. However, the challenge for this reader is how to apply these ideas and principles on a daily and more casual basis than a sit-down counseling session.

 

In Part I, Rick Horne (a high school counselor with 30 years experience and father of six kids, who were once teens) states the goal of his book as being, “…to help these young people {angry, unmotivated teens} recognize their self-destructive ways, learn new and effective methods of dealing with life, and ultimately come into a deep and life-changing relationship with Christ.” How well this goal is accomplished will be determined by parents’ and youth workers’ application of the principles, as they are the audience the book is written to, though. We are reminded that teens are made in the image of God and that His word shows us effectively how to talk to them, as well as adults. Parents are also reminded that, although they are not responsible for the reactions of their teens, the way they approach their teens will generally have a direct effect on how the teens choose to respond back to the parents. Indeed, the challenge for parents and counselors is often reaching these needy young people who are not looking for our help at all and whose response is solely based upon “what he wants”. One hesitation with the presented material is regarding the author’s stated purpose that the first two parts of the book are “concerned exclusively with surface motivations and external behavior”, as “when dealing with angry or unmotivated teens, this is where the process must begin.” As a parent of 11 children, I have spent the last number of years learning to dig deeper, working on heart issues and sinful responses in daily situations, so it seems backwards to begin working with surface motivations and external behavior at this point, although I do see where this approach could be helpful in youth counseling situations.

 

Chapter 2 is titled, “Understanding Your Teen Biblically”, and the author gives eight biblical “lenses” through which we should peer when looking at our teens. The eight lenses/principles through which the author states should consider our angry teens are:

 

1.  Teens, just like parents and counselors, are sinners.

2.  Teens can be respected as young adults.

3.  Common grace, God’s general goodness to all, allows any sinner to make some wise choices.

4.  God’s goodness accounts for “wise wants” that lie (often deeply) within our teens.

5.  Help that brings about change in angry teens often begins at a surface level but must aim deeper.

6.  Teens can and must think about their choices in light of goals and consequences.

7.  Scriptural principles cover both how to speak and what to say to angry, unmotivated teens.

8. God gives us others to support us and to help us counsel our teens.

 

Principles 1, 2, and 3 are fairly simple and straightforward, but #4 needs a bit of explanation in this review. The author states that, “The sense of the moral law of God – that which is right, admirable, and desirable – is imprinted on each of us as creatures of God. (Romans 2:14-15)… Learning how to tune into these wise wants will set the stage for you to communicate with your teen because you are appealing to what is motivating her – some constructive, God imprinted desires, whether she recognizes God as their author or not.” Some examples of these “wise wants” in an angry teen are given as:

 

• wanting to be out with friends = wanting to have rich relationships with others

• wanting to buy a pair of pants that a parent does not consider modest = desiring a good reputation among her peers (however she happens to define “good” in this case)

Going from this principle on to #5, it is mentioned that a parent can begin talking about surface things in a teen’s life – “the things she wants, such as the pleasure of relationships, and respect and reputations as a mature person,” as Jesus did this often. The author states that Jesus “began with essentially surface level “felt needs” and then directed the conversation toward more serious heart matters.” For example, Jesus healed, fed, and taught thousands who did not end up following Him and he went about doing good, notwithstanding peoples’ responses. As parents, “Our love is not to be conditioned upon the way they respond to us, appreciate us, respect us, or accept us.” Rather, we are to “imitate the Father in the way we meet the surface needs of others.” The reviewer agrees with this particular statement, but is not enthusiastically in agreement with some of the “wise want” examples, such as the second one listed above. Without getting snagged on one example, I will proceed to Chapter 3, where “wise wants” are discussed in more detail, though.

 

One of the premises of Chapter 3 is that “wise wants are underneath most teen felt wants,” and that, “in the season of his anger – whether for a day, a week, a month, or longer,” it is important whose “want” we talk about with our teen, as his words, speech, and decisions are being fueled by what he wants.” Examples of Jesus asking what people wanted are given, such as the blind men who were healed and James, John, and their mother (Mark 10:36). Although Jesus did not grant them their “want”, the author states that he “began with what they wanted… and used that as the jumping-off point for his counsel about servant hood to them and, later, to the other disciples.” I see the author’s point in this situation, but not necessarily that it is relative to situations with angry teens, as James and John were truly asking Jesus for something out of personal desires rather than speaking in anger. Further explanation of the wise wants in teens is detailed by stating that there are underlying wants within every young person “that is part of their human nature as a creature made in the image of God,” and that these are their wise wants. I am concerned that no space is given to the idea of the total depravity of man (Psalm 14:3, Psalm 53:3, Prov. 17:20). The author does address the issue of underlying sin by asking the question, “Do we deal with the sin or do we not,” and “When and how is the sin to be dealt with in the way that it will be most effective?” He goes on to state, “…while the “fear of the Lord” is the heart orientation that ought to control all choices, the wise counselors in that book {Proverbs} know that we are all flawed creatures in a fallen world. They do not demand a teen’s commitment to the fear of the Lord before they give helpful counsel – counsel that often speaks far more directly to wise wants than it does to matters of spiritual conviction.”

 

The remainder of Part I of this books deals with what is called the “stance” in counseling angry, unmotivated teens, which is 1) being certain to glorify God and 2) the importance of removing the log from their own eye before considering the speck in the teen’s. Regarding glorifying God, the author asks the questions, “Why does your family exist?” and “What is your shared purpose?” He then notes, “Parents of particularly challenging teens may answer these questions by placing too much emphasis on the absence of conflict. But having a goal of “peace at any price” only compounds a family’s difficulties.” Although it is a daily challenge to keep the goal of glorifying God foremost in our own family, I heartily agree with the necessity of this, despite what challenges may arise over the years. The author goes on to list five “powerful benefits” to approaching your teen with a determination to glorify God, but I think it sufficient to state that we are commanded to have this life goal by God himself and obedience to Him in this matter is motivation enough. He similarly approaches the concept of getting the “log” out of your own eye, or the “willingness to look at your own sin first”. Again, I agree with the importance of this vital step in conflict resolution, although I do not agree with some of the approaches this author mentions specific to dealing with angry teens.

 

For instance, he states that a parent saying, “My behavior is not what we’re here to talk about,” is a tactic guaranteed to fail – a statement I heartily disagree with. Certainly there may be situations where this approach is not warranted, but there are times when it is of the utmost importance for a parent to refocus their angry teen on the issue at hand, which is usually a specific situation regarding the teen’s actions. Humility in parenting is an extremely important Christian character trait and parents should indeed go to their children on a daily basis to ask forgiveness when needed. If a parent’s main goal is to glorify God and their overall approach to conflict resolution is one of humility, then they may find themselves rightly saying those very words to their angry teen in a conversation.

 

Part II of this book covers four of the basis processes necessary to solid biblical counseling – listening, clarifying, looking (for a some kind of solution), and planning (to attain desired changes). The author uses the acronym LCLP for this pattern, which has the following meaning:

 

Listen big – to build a bridge to your teen

Clarify narrow – to expose the realities of your teen’s experience

Look wide – to discover our teen’s solution

Plan small – to support changes your teen wants

 

I read this section of the book with interest, as it addressed some specific areas I have fallen short in when dealing with our own teens, namely listening and clarifying. Although I have disagreements with the author on some basic foundational issues, I did find much of his suggested methods of application of these counseling processes helpful. For instance, it is stated that, “Listening is active, not passive, and it is definitely a skill. It bears no resemblance at all to the “listening” that merely involves waiting until it is your turn to talk.” I think a lot of us can relate to that latter statement, whether it is in our own set of habits or someone we know and talk to on a regular basis. It is particularly difficult to listen when you know the other person is “wrong”, which will often be the case with a parent or counselor of angry teens. In this book, such listening is said to be a way to “build bridges” between parent and teen, with the parent or counselor frequently repeating back (using their own words, of course) what the teens says to them. In this manner, it is possible to in fact “draw out that which is deep within” the teen so that the issues can be more accurately addressed eventually.

 

More helpful suggestions I gathered from this portion of the book were to listen for what your teen does not want, listen to your teen’s body language (and listen with your own), listen to affirm, not necessarily to agree, and listening until you begin to see the paradoxes.

 

Examples of what a teen might not want included; not wanting a teacher to take off points when an assignment is not done her way, not wanting parents to split up, not wanting to be treated like a kid, and not wanting to be yelled at. The challenge presented to parents and counselors at this stage of the counseling would be to continue listening until all is heard, keeping this information in mind until such a time as it should be addressed. Listening to these “not wants” without probing for causes or explanations yet and with a relaxed body language will often aid those dealing with angry teens as they begin to see the anger dissipate and the teen’s own body language change. Affirming what the teen has said to let them know you understand, without necessarily using the words, “I understand,” will also help build bridges for actual interaction.

 

The second step, clarifying, is actually a continuation of the listening process, as the counselor or parent repeats back to the teen what they have heard them say. The stated purpose of this clarification is to find out what the teen wants, fantasies and all. “The young person will usually be motivated to make changes, even radical ones, if she sees that it will get her what she wants.” Although I disagree with this premise, I do recognize the usefulness of clarifying what a parent has heard a teen say during a particular conflict.

 

Looking wide, the next step in the process, involves searching through your teen’s past for exceptions, with the goal being identifying “a time when the teen behaved in a way that would seem atypical now, but which resulted in a wise want being met.” The process of identifying past successes in a teen’s life has merit, and it is a practice that I need to institute much more in my own daily interactions with my teens. Through such reminders, parents can point out to angry teens that they are indeed capable of acting differently, if they so choose.

 

From this point, the next step listed in this book is to begin planning to implement the changes needed in the angry teen’s life. Although I continue to disagree with the focus being to, “help your teen create a plan he thinks will help him get what he wisely wants,” I am supportive of using the previously mentioned steps to help a teen plan a new course of action. It is also wisely stated, “You can help your teen recognize that change usually occurs in small steps by helping him think it through.” This is called the “one-fork-full-focus” and it would do all of us well to be reminded that necessary changes do not always occur immediately in God’s world. Time is a tool that God uses wisely and providentially in many situations.

 

In conclusion, I enjoyed reading Rick Horne’s book, Get Outta My Face, and although I did not agree with much of his basic premises (that teens always have a “wise want” behind their anger), I did glean some good suggestions regarding listening, clarifying, building bridges, looking for past successes, and planning for changes with an angry, unmotivated teen. I agree with the author when he states that there are no actual “unmotivated” teens, as they are in fact very motivated… to do what they want. As I read the book, I found myself wondering how these principles would play out on a day to day basis. Many good examples are given throughout the book, but they mostly consist of counseling situations and not daily parent/teen interactions. Counselors would have the advantage of not having the same “history” parents do with an angry and unmotivated teen, thus making such examples more workable. The true challenge remains how parents are to implement biblical principles on a daily basis as they deal with their teens. Much of what is presented in this book can be helpful in these situations, but this reviewer suggests caution be used regarding the premise of all teens having “wise wants” behind their angry, unmotivated behavior.

 

We celebrated this young man’s 18th birthday this past weekend  – where has the time gone?!!  He was adopted from Far Eastern Russia at the age of 8, almost ten years ago.  He is very much a traditional American young man at this point, with some of his favorite things being music, reading (especially G.A. Henty books), and working in the yard.  We especially encourage the latter!   

I am sorry for the few and far between posts these days – life is quite hectic and shows promise of continuing this pace until the kids finish school (homeschool).  That will be two more years for most of them, while we stretch our youngest out an extra year with having him dual enroll in a community college. 

However, am actually scheduling time this summer for writing, so some of those musings may end up on here as time goes on.  Not sure how long our “summer” will be, though, as our offical school break will only be about one month, if that.

Two of our daughters recently celebrated their birthdays together (not bio sibs, by the way) and took time out for a photo with dear ol’ Mom.  I love it!!  (and them)

I had a weekly meeting with one of our girls this morning that I found myself not looking forward to at all.  She is 19, which is the legal age of adulthood in our state, yet the job was set before me this morning to let her know that she would need to put off her driving test for an indefinite amount of time.  Much consideration had been given to the best way to present this news to her, but in the end I found myself praying for wisdom more than doing my own planning, as I could do little to prepare her heart to hear the news – that would be up to God. 

This particular daughter is deaf, but that is not the actual reason for the delay.  Deaf people CAN drive.  We adopted her at the age of 9 from a Russian deaf boarding school and she had only a handful of language skills at that point in her life.  She could say a few words in Russian and knew a small amount of Russian Sign Language, but in general she did not “communicate” via language at all when we adopted her.  She had a good sense of humor and could make visual “jokes”, but there was no language for her to work with.  Soon after she arrived in America, language acquisition began in earnest, but her brain was not nearly as “language ready” as it once had been.

Our daughter learned English well in our homeschool – I had the privilege of teaching her to read, write, and speak our language.  She also picked up many abstract concepts that she had previously had no understanding of.  After many years, her academic ability seemed to plateau, though, and at the age of 18 we deemed her “finished” with formal education and began concentrating on teaching her the art of homemaking, as her greatest desire is to be a wife and mother. 

Perhaps I should not have been surprised, then, when I began meeting with her on a weekly basis and going through a character building book, to find that her skills in reading comprehension had actually significantly diminished.   Since she was eager to pass the written portion of her driver’s exam, I spoke of my concerns regarding this regression with her audiologist.  She agreed that there was little comprehension, even in her conversation with our daughter, and she referred her for speech and language testing. 

The testing was this past week and I was surprised to find out how accurately I had assessed our daughter.  Her comprehension and language “age” was just about equal to the number of years she has been in our home.  In a culture that is geared so much around age – especially in the teen years – I had lost sight of how far our daughter had come and fallen into the “age appropriate” thought process rather than a more realistic “maturity appropriate” one.  She longed to drive, as her siblings were doing at her age and, although I had hesitancies that I could not really put my finger on, I (well, my husband and I) allowed her to begin studying for the written test. 

I am very thankful that her lack of comprehension and understanding became apparent BEFORE she was granted a driver’s license.  After having taken the test (and failing) numerous times, she purchased an online program that helped hone her test taking skills.  It became more and more apparent through the questions she asked me that she was not fully understanding the material, though.  Thus, I am very thankful for the timing of the testing and the input of the speech and language pathologist in this regard (she agreed that our daughter was not able to understand the material well enough to be behind the wheel of a vehicle). 

So, today was the day that I “broke the news” to her and I was not looking forward to doing this.  In the past, she has ranted against the “unfairness” of being deaf, so I prayed for God’s wisdom in addressing this particular issue.  After going over the previous week’s homework, I began to talk to her about the testing and upcoming therapy.  I reminded her that she had very little language when she came to America, but that she had done a great job of learning from there.  Proceeding carefully so as to not discourage her too much, I found myself taking a direction that I had not at all planned on.  It was as if God was the one talking and not me, as I am so prone to be callous and rough in my speech to her.  I spoke of how the therapist was going to help her understand things better and showed her a reading comprehension book that we would be using at home to supplement this therapy. 

At this point I gently brought up the subject of the driving material.  I told her that I was concerned about how well she was understanding what she was reading and just how important it was to KNOW the rules when you drive and how you have to make snap decisions based upon that knowledge.  An example I had not previously thought of came to mind, so I shared it with her.  I said, “I don’t want you to be hurt or killed, but I also don’t want others to be hurt by any mistakes you might make.  If you make a little mistake when you are driving, you could crash into a van with a mother and children, killing them all.”  I know that sounds extreme, but it is important for her to have very visual examples of situations, in order to really impress them upon her mind, and this one really worked.  Although her eyes had become a bit cloudy when I began talking about not taking the driving test right away, this example I shared with her seemed to help her understand clearly the dangers of driving without fully understanding the rules. 

I feel certain that those were not my words, but rather ones given to me by the Holy Spirit, as I needed them (Luke 12:11).  My words would have sent her running off in tears, but God’s were caring and compassionate.   Mine were awkward, but God’s were certain and unhesitating.  Once again, I have seen how His ways (and words) are far superior to mine, and for this I am forever thankful!

There is indeed hope for our daughter!  God is working in her heart and we are blessed with opportunities to share His love with her.  I have been reminded that driving is far from the most important thing for her to do right now.  She and I are both excited about the upcoming therapy sessions, knowing that they will help her comprehension and communications skills on a daily basis.

A while back I wrote a post on the habits older adopted children bring with them into their new homes and families.  We saw a wonderful illustration of this concept yesterday and were even able to help our son understand himself better, thankfully. 

You know those phone calls that parents hate to get?  Well, our phone rang yesterday, with the caller ID showing that the person was calling from the county courthouse.  Ugh.  It was one of our sons, calling to tell us that he was at the courthouse for a court date (that we did NOT know he had) and the judge was telling him that one of his parents needed to be down there NOW.  I could tell by his voice that he knew he had been “exposed” and this was a phone call that hurt him deeply to make.  I was too upset to go (having already had a rough day), so I gave him his Dad’s phone number at work.  Our son had mumbled something about having been pulled over six months ago when he was taking a friend to his car.  The “friend” had beer with him, so our son was cited for being a minor with alcohol in his car (I know that is not the official term, but you get the drift).  My immediate thoughts quickly ran along the lines of, “What else is he not telling us,” and I struggled with disappointment and frustration.  This son has made tremendous strides over the last few months and I briefly found myself doubting if those improvements were “real” or not. 

Dad finally arrived at the courthouse and found the courtroom location.  Apparently, this judge had the wisdom to ask our son if his parents knew about his citation and the AUDACITY to require him to call us.  Kudos for the judge!!!  I am so pleased to know that there are judges out there today who believe that parents should be involved in the lives of their kids, even as they enter adulthood.  The judge did not call us to the courtroom so that we could pay the fine – he simply wanted to make sure we knew what was going on, which we greatly appreciated.  (Rest assured that our son will pay the fine!)

This is where Romans 8:28 came into play in our son’s life.  What a wonderful opportunity we were given to talk to him and assure him of our continuing love for him.  Once the initial shock wore off, we began to question him regarding this citation and discovered that it was one he had gotten about six months earlier, before the major changes we have seen in his life took place.  Dad took him to lunch and talked through the situation, with our son being so upset that he could hardly eat.  He seemed truly shocked that the only consequences he would get were the ones imposed by the court ($$$), but Dad felt strongly that having to call us and face the truth was an enormous consequence in and of itself. 

As I returned home from an appointment, our son approached me before I even had a chance to sit down, asking if he could talk to me.  I assured him that we would talk in a few minutes and called him when I was settled.  His discomfort was painful to see, but I assured him of my continuing love from the beginning of the conversation.  I asked him the same difficult questions Dad had, along the lines of, “Is there anything else you are keeping from us”, and he assured me there was nothing else he could think of that he was being dishonest about.  At this point, I began to discuss how habits come into play in our lives, and how the particular culture he grew up in until the age of 12 bred dishonesty in its youth.  He understood well what I was saying, and told me a story that explained yet another one of the many scars he has on his body (we seem to get these “stories” slowly, over the years).  When he was around ten years old, the boys in the orphanage he and his siblings were in made a pact.  The younger boys (of which he was one) promised to always lie for the older boys.  They would never “tattle” on them, always backing up the stories they told and taking their side against any authorities.  This pact was sealed with a cigarette lighter, causing what must have been a significant burn on our son’s arm, judging by the scar he carries with him ten years later. 

Such stories abound in the pasts of these older adopted children, although it may be years before they feel comfortable enough to share them with us, if ever.  We have been blessed to see our son embrace the love and forgiveness that comes from the blood of Jesus and he is thus open to correction in this area of his life now.  We are so thankful that God used an American judge to shed light on this situation.  Over the months, carrying the burden of this citation has caused him endless nights of lost sleep.  Through the Providence of God, he is now free to pay the consequencs of his actions ($348) and feel the forgiveness of his Lord and parents.

Today I had a conversation with our almost 19 year old adopted daughter on the way to the dermatologist’s office, in which she showed some remarkable insight and a refreshing desire to truly understand her own behavior and to change for the better.  She was, as usual, nervous about talking to me (she is the same daughter written about in the previous post), but it did not end up taking her long to get to the point.  Obviously she had put a great deal of thought and planning into this conversation. 

Her question went something like this;  ”Mom, you have said something to me quite a few times that I think I may need to understand better and try to change in myself.”  I encouraged her to tell me what it was I had said to her and was surprised to hear that she was speaking of my comment recently made to her along the lines of, “It’s not all about you.”  With a little urging, she told me of  two specific times when I said this to her, with the first having been in the course of a very intense time of “discussion”, during which she spewed all sorts of threats.  I did not remember specifically what the “it’s not all about you” comment was in regards to at that point, but I did remember the more recent one she mentioned.  She is in the process of getting ready to take a trip to California with a friend from church and we had been discussing doling out her chores while she was gone.  Her main concern seemed to be that when she returned, she would not have to do an unfair amount of chores in return for those siblings who did hers while she was gone.  Due to her preoccupation with not being taken advantage of, I made the comment that caught her attention and brought up the memory of the previous time when I had said something similar. 

What an exciting opportunity I was given, to explain my reasoning and thoughts behind those little words!  Knowing how much courage it had taken for her to ask me this question, I wasted no time in starting to answer it.  First of all, I assured her that it was good she was asking this question and that I would do my best to help her understand why I had made this comment and how she could change.  Secondly, I explained that her particular behaviors/reactions in situations like this are due to habits deeply ingrained in her personality from her early years.  I spoke of the Chinese culture where only one child per family encourages a typical societal norm of spoiled children, and I also spoke more specifically to her own upbringing in the home of  a Chinese “dad” who took her in as his only child until she was in her preteen years.  I assured her that it would indeed be natural to develop the habit of living like life revolved around only you in an environment like that.  However, I also proceeded to explain the sinfulness in this particular mindset and how God wants us to “consider others as more important than ourselves.” 

Upon returning home, I began to read in a commentary on I Peter of this very subject.  Regarding Chapter 2, verse 17, “Show proper respect to everyone…”, the author had this to say:

Instead of walking by this rule of showing respect to everyone, what is most common is a perverse inclination to dishonor one another.  Everyone is ready to dishonor everyone, so that they may pay tribute to himself… Every man is naturally his own grand idol who will ruin the reputation of others in order to promote himself.  But because the humble man is more aware of this divine rule, he respects other people and is not in competition with them.   Therefore, learn more about this excellent grace of humility; then you will obey this word.”

Imagine our daughter’s delight when I presented her a copy of this page in the book, only a short time after having had this very conversation with her earlier in the day.  I underlined the above passage and told her that I had thought of her when I read it.  (Yes, her face did seem to light up a bit when I said that, too.)

As arduous as those monthly trips to the dermatologist have become, I am ever thankful for this opportunity and others that have presented themselves during the drive to and from this office.  I am also thankful for a older adopted daughter who overcame her nervousness around ”The Mom” enough to bring up such a subject as this and dig deeply enough to understand it and see where she needed to change.

This was a very good converation, with me assuring her that knowing she was aware of this habit would help me to work at being more gentle and specific in my correction of her from that time forward.  Now, being able to refer back to this conversation and specifically remind her of what we talked about, I hope I will also be reminded of God’s grace in my own life and His patience with my personal sinful habits.

For an explanation of terms and an introduction to this post, please read this previous post.   

Almost a year after having brought home a second daughter from a previous adoptive home, we were called upon to help a couple who were struggling with their 14 year old daughter, home less than a year from her native country.  Since we were acquainted with this couple already, we did not hesitate to begin to gather information regarding the challenges they were having, hopeful that we would be able to help them work through these issues.  They seemed willing to accept suggestions and help, to a degree at least.  After a few email exchanges, my husband and I decided to offer to bring this young girl into our home for a respite, as the family was only two hours from our location.  Her parents eagerly accepted the offer and arrangements were made.

The differences between this girl and the other two we had brought into our home from disruptions were dramatic.  Having received information from her family regarding her behavior, we felt somewhat prepared to deal with these issues.  However, the anger and bitterness that came with this young woman were beyond any we had previously dealt with.  Shortly after she arrived, she had managed to alienate all ten of our other children and they all refused to spend time with her.  Although we encouraged them to “let love cover” the offenses, it was obvious that there was much that she needed to be confronted on.  This child was rude, selfish, arrogant, and disrespectful, on top of her anger and bitterness.  Soon, my husband was the only person in our home who was able and willing to communicate with her (I was willing, but not nearly as able as he was). 

Interestingly, we soon began to understand what the basis of some of this misbehavior was – she was a highly intelligent young woman who was well versed in the ways of manipulation.  My husband had a good grasp of the intelligent teenage mind, as he had also been an often misunderstood teen, due to an above average level of intelligence.  He recognized that her deepest need at the time was keeping her mind active and working on something other than her pain and anger.  Thus, he engaged her in religious debates and challenged her to respond according to what she found in her Bible, which was a parallel of her native language and English.  Having come from a non-Christian country and adoptive home, she had more than enough opinions and beliefs regarding religious issues and she was not at all hesitant to engage in such debates!

As my husband reasoned with her from Scripture, I continued to email this girl’s adoptive family to see how they were doing during their week of respite.  Much to our dismay, they were enjoying the relief of not having her there so much that they made the decision to follow through with the disruption once she returned.  There appeared to be a great disparity in this home regarding the opinions and desires of the wife and the husband, though.  In short, it became clear that the wife of 30 years was telling her husband, who loved the daughter a great deal, that he could have one or the other in his home – his wife or daughter – but not both.  Since this couple did not have the foundation of God’s word to work with, there was little we could do to convince them otherwise. 

My husband and I prayed about whether or not we would be willing to bring this young woman into our home on a permanent basis.  For the first time since we started adopting, we did not get input from our children on this decision, though.  They had made their thoughts clear enough during the time she had been there – they were all eager for her to leave.  We felt strongly that God was calling us to open our hearts and home to this angry and bitter young girl, though, so we told the parents of our decision.  She knew nothing of this during her week in our home, as we were intent on having her adoptive parents tell her of their decision to disrupt.

After this fireball of a young girl left, our job was clearly set before us.  We went to work telling all of our children of our decision and the firm belief that this was something God had planned for our family.  Their reactions varied from acceptance and willingness to do what they could to get along with her to strong dislike of what was to come once she came back to live with us.  The process of bringing her back into our home took a number of weeks and we were pleased to hear that she had followed through with a set of instructions we had sent her home with, in order to work on the relationship with her parents from her perspective.  The parents were steadfast in their decision, though, and the hurt and confusion in her heart increased greatly when they did finally inform her of their decision to disrupt the adoption, as she had been working diligently and doing what she could to repair the parent/child relationship. 

Shortly after her adoptive father left on the two hour drive to bring her to our home, we received a phone call from her adoptive mother.  Things had not gone well at all when they told her of their decision and they seemed truly disturbed and surprised at the strength of her emotions in reaction to this announcement.  The mother remained solid in her determination to cut all ties as soon as possible, but that same steadfastness was completely absent as the father sat in our living room, making promises to this young girl that we knew he would never be able to fulfill.  It broke our hearts to realize that we would be the ones to deal with the emotional fallout, yet we did not interefere as they said their goodbyes and made their promises. 

No attempts were made to hide the defiance, rebellion, and hurt in the heart of this young girl, as she openly lashed out at anyone who dared come near her.  I found myself hiding knives when she threatened to hurt herself and others and then also hiding maps as she wildly threatened to walk back to her native country.  In her hysterical state, it did us no good to reason with her and point out the thousands of miles of water over which she would be “walking”…  We knew that she was angry enough to set out on her own, though, whether or not she would ever end up there, and our goal was to keep her in our home until she could settle down and be reasoned with. 

Such a time of reasoning was slow and painful in coming.  Once, when she threatened to run away in the middle of a dark and cold night, my husband had the courage to put her outside and then lock the doors and turn the outside lights off.  During the very few minutes that she stood barefoot in the frigid outdoors, the kids and I found all of the coats and shoes in the house and hid them, knowing that if she had the tools for the trip, she was likely to strike out on her own at any moment. 

At another  point in this painful period of adjusting to the finality of her adoptive parents’ decision, my husband and I employed what we later discovered was called “holding therapy” with this 14 year old girl.  We sat on our couch, firmly holding her in our arms for four long hours, as she fought and screamed for the other kids to help her.    Much to her dismay, each of them simply smiled and walked past us, though, fully aware that we were in control of the situation.  

Ever so slowly, we began to see changes in this young woman.  Hours upon hours were spent talking to her, explaining the situation over and over again.  She felt certain that by signing the papers and consenting to our adoption of her that she was somehow stating that it was what she wanted, which was not at all the case!  Having made the decision to sign at one point, we walked away from the notary public’s office in dismay, as she was not able to bring pen to paper and actually sign the consent form.   Promises made in the heat of the moment by her adoptive dad were indeed broken, along with her heart. 

In the midst of these struggles, we found ourselves looking for a new house.  My husband’s mother had graciously agreed to move in with us and help with the cooking, so we set out to look for a home well suited to our growing family.  Although this was not an easy task (to say the least!), God provided exactly what we needed and the packing and moving began in earnest about six months after she came to live in our home. 

Having been distracted by the business of the move, we neglected to notice small changes in this daughter’s behavior and attitudes.  As we were settling into our new home, though, she came to us and began to ask new and amazing questions.  The one that sticks out in my mind the most was along the lines of, “I am suddenly caring about other people and their feelings.  Could this be something that God is doing in my heart?”  Coming from where she had been – steely cold, with an uncaring attitude towards anyone but herself - we rejoiced to answer in the affirmative!  “Yes!!  God has used the time you have been spending in His word to change your heart!!”  The more we talked, the more we became aware that God had indeed worked an amazing change into the heart of this defiant and rebellious orphan!  To this day, we like to say that we left the old _____ (her name) at the old house and brought the new one with us! 

Four years later, much sanctification has taken place in the heart of this young lady.  Although she is far from perfect, we have the blessing of remembering just how far she has come as we see her struggle to grow in her walk with the Lord.  During the dark times when we begin to wonder if she is indeed walking with the Lord, all we have to do is remind ourselves of the four hours we spent on the couch with this daughter firmly in our grasp and the monumental changes we have seen in her life since that day.  We are thus encouraged that she is just as firmly in the grasp of a wonderful Lord and Savior, as we return to reasoning with her from Scripture.